Q: I’m sorry if my English is wrong. I’m a gay man writing from Germany, where I am being heartbroken and not knowing how to go on. I’ve been seeing a guy for a couple of months and slowly falling in love with him. “Peter” has always been very open to me about himself, his failed relationships, and his commitment issues. He talks frequently about his ex-boyfriend from five years ago and how being left created a deep fear of being left once again. He also had a relationship that ended a year ago. Yesterday he told me he’s still in love with the guy from one year ago but that his love is unrequited. He also told me that he values what we have but he can’t stop loving this other guy. And he can’t promise me that this will change. I am in love and heartbroken at the same time, hopeful and fearful, and unable to get up for the last couple of days. Deep down, I fear I will get hurt. I already am hurt. I’m falling for someone who’s not able to love me back, who’s stuck in the past, but who wishes to change that in order to let me into his life. Should I stay and wait for Peter to get better even if it hurts to know he’s in love with someone other than me? Or should I leave him as so many others have and hurt him? —Healing Erotic Love Problem Means Everything
When someone tells us he has “commitment issues,” we’re primed to hear this: “This boy is incapable of committing until healed (by a therapist, by a new love, by the passage of time).” But sometimes what he means is this: “I have no interest in committing—not to you, not to anyone, not now, not ever.” But instead of owning up to that or telling you he’s not seeking anything serious, Peter claims to have been rendered incapable of loving you the way you deserve to be loved and blah blah blah to get himself off the hook. Not a child-man who won’t commit, but a victim who would commit if he could commit but—sob!—he can’t commit.
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