Q: I’m a straight woman and have been sexually active for about six years. I’m in my mid-20s now and about ready to become a “man-hating feminist.” I feel like I can figure out what a guy wants in bed pretty easily. I cannot remember a single time when I’ve had sex with a guy that he has not had an orgasm. I, on the other hand, have never had an orgasm. Quite the opposite! I’ve barely even been aroused lately when I am having sex because it’s easy to tell when the guy I’m with just wants to come and that is the only thing on his mind. This makes me want to just get it over with. I’ve become really angry with the male population and their lack of care for pleasing a woman. Will it take a Women’s Pleasure Revolution for men to realize that their female counterparts have needs too? Granted, I’ve had sex with only five guys–but in my mind, Dan, that’s five too many. I also have girlfriends in the same boat. Men skip foreplay, they don’t return the favor when it comes to oral, and they’re so eager to get their penises in my vagina, they barely touch me before doing so! THIS MAKES ME FEEL USED. I’m a giving woman by nature, but I feel like men just take. I don’t hate men. I actually really like men. In fact, I was madly in love with one of the five. —Really Enraged/Vexed Over Lazy Turds
You say you were in love with one of the five guys you had sex with, REVOLT. Yet every single time you had sex, you allowed this guy to essentially masturbate inside you. You didn’t stick up for yourself, you didn’t advocate for your own pleasure, you didn’t say, “Here’s what you need to do to please me.”
A lot of people’s kinks are essentially eroticized fears: the fear of being humiliated, the fear of being exposed, the fear of being cheated on, etc. Not everyone eroticizes these fears, of course, but so many of us do that it really should be covered in sex-ed courses. In your case, TRC, your erotic imagination took something that scares you—being cheated on—and turned it into something that arouses you. The difference between your worst fear and your ultimate turn-on is control. If your man fucks another woman, it will happen because you wanted it to (you gave him permission) and there will be something in it for you (it will get you off). Which is not to say you ever have to act on this. You don’t. Plenty of straight men are turned on by the fantasy of their wives being with other men but know they couldn’t handle the reality of it, so they enjoy it as a fantasy only. But the healthy ones don’t themselves the fantasy, whether it’s just playing it out in their heads or their monogamous partners indulging them with a little cheating-centered dirty talk during sex.
