Q: I’m a 40-year-old bi man. I’ve been with my 33-year-old bi wife for three years and married for one. When we first met, she made it clear that she was in a long-term (more than three years) “Daddy” relationship with an older man. I figured out six months later that her “Daddy” was her boss and business partner. He is married, and his wife does not know. I struggled with their relationship, since I identify as open but not poly. Eight months later, she ended things with him because it was “logically right” for us (her words). But she cheated with him four times over the course of two years. In all other aspects, our relationship is the greatest one I’ve ever had. I do not doubt her love for me. My wife has met her biological father only a couple of times and her stepfather died when she was 16—the same year she went to work for her “Daddy.” Their nonwork relationship started ten years later, when she was 26. It’s a complex relationship, and he isn’t going anywhere, as they now own a business together. While I don’t think cheating has to be a relationship ender, dishonesty always has been for me. The final complication: I have a cuckold fetish. I believe it might be possible to meet everyone’s needs, so long as everyone is honest. I will admit that, in the heat of passion, my wife and I have talked about her having “two daddies.” Do I consider allowing this, so long as everyone is honest? Is mixing business and personal matters going to blow up in our faces? Do I ignore the part of my brain that wants this guy’s wife to know? —Distressed About Deceitful Dynamics Involving Entangled Spouse
A: Whoa, DADDI. Just as gay men who call themselves or their partners “boy” don’t mean “minor” and aren’t fantasizing about child rape, gay men who call themselves or their partners “daddy” don’t mean “biological father” and aren’t fantasizing about father-son incest. Daddy is an honorific that eroticizes a perceived age and/or experience gap; it’s about authority and sexual dominance, not paternity and incestuous deviance. If being called “daddy” turns you off, you should say so, and your partners should immediately knock that “daddy” shit off. But you shouldn’t assume every gay guy who calls you “daddy” is into incest and/or was molested by his bio dad, because 99.999 percent of the time that’s just not going to be true.
Q: I’m a 30-year-old woman who has always been more attracted to older men. I was with a guy last year who liked to be called “Daddy,” which was hard because he was six years younger. But now I’m secretly sleeping with someone who’s 34 years older than me. It’s not just sex—we have so much in common and we’re falling in love. I don’t know how long I can handle being a secret, but I don’t know if I can come out of hiding because of the age difference. He’s not as ashamed and would be more open if I wanted to be. Thoughts? —Ashamed Sex Has All My Emotional Damage
