Q: My father left my mother abruptly when I was 14 years old, and he hasn’t contacted either of us since. It was a crushing blow for her, and she retreated from the world. She was never bitter about it, but it was devastating. She lost the love of her life for no apparent reason and was left completely alone, except for me. We have both done our best to forget about him. We were extremely close for the next four years and actually slept in the same bed every night. Eventually, we began doing something that most people would consider evil but neither of us has ever regretted. It was just something that happened. And it wasn’t something that just happened once—it went on for two years and ended only when I left to go to university. I haven’t thought about this for years, and it is something my mother and I have never discussed. She has since remarried and seems perfectly fine. But even today, we sometimes send each other friendly messages that are vaguely suggestive. The problem is I mentioned it to my wife recently and she went ballistic. She called me and my mother sick and moved into another bedroom and refuses to have sex with me. I wish I had never mentioned it, but it was part of a truth-or-dare session we were having. This has been the situation for the last three months. I have finally lost my patience and I am thinking of leaving. I have never cheated on my wife or hurt her, either physically or emotionally, and I have supported her financially while she studies at university. I have mentioned going to a counselor, but she refuses and claims that she is married to a monster and that no woman would want me. We don’t have any children—so if I were to leave, I wouldn’t be disrupting an innocent’s life. Do you have any advice? —Truthful Revelation Unmakes Two Happy Spouses
“These women are often very insecure and needy,” said Dr. Miletski. “Unbeknownst to the son—and sometimes to the mother—the son begins to feel responsible for his mother’s well-being and emotional support. The son becomes ‘parentified’ and is treated by his mother as a substitute husband. Occasionally, this close relationship between a mother and her son evolves into a sexual relationship, and the substitute husband becomes her lover as well. The situation described in this letter sounds exactly like that. And while I’m glad this man believes he has not been affected by this boundary violation, [the fact that he and his mother are] sending suggestive messages to each other may suggest otherwise.”
Kort sees some hope—albeit slim—for your marriage.
