Q: I’m a gay male in my 40s and I’ve been married to my husband for nine years. There was some mild infidelity on his part (exchanging photos and flirting via text with another guy) early in our relationship. I confronted him at the time, and he lied to me. I decided to let it go, as it was early in the relationship. Fast forward a few years and he gets crabs and gives them to me. He told me it was most likely from the volunteer work he does in a homeless shelter. I let it go again. Fast forward another couple years and I’m feeling insecure and look on his iPad, and find confirmation that he was sleeping with the guy he’d exchanged photos and flirty texts with early in our relationship. This sent me into a severe depression. All my concerns over the years were confirmed, and further sleuthing revealed there was another guy he was fucking around with as well. He admitted to all of this only after I showed him the proof.
As for the new case of crabs, SHAM, sure, it’s possible your husband got them during a nonsensual massage—if the place wasn’t clean, if they reuse towels and sheets without washing them, if they don’t disinfect the massage table. I don’t know why anyone would wanna get a massage at a filthy place like that, but maybe your husband isn’t so choosy.
If you do stay, SHAM, you might let your husband continue to think he’s risking his marriage when he cheats. That won’t stop him—it hasn’t up to now, right?—but your husband will be less likely to seize every opportunity that comes his way if he thinks he’s risking his marriage. If you don’t hand him a DADT card and/or tell him you’ve made peace with his cheating, SHAM, he’ll redouble his efforts to be discreet and continue to be careful to use condoms with other guys so as to avoid exposing you to a more serious STI. (I say “continue to be careful” because if he’s been cheating on you all this time and only brought crabs home, SHAM, then he was probably being careful, i.e., using condoms, with other guys.)
A: Reading the blog post “Keeping the Romance Alive After a Spinal Cord Injury” at Spinalcord.com. There are some great insights, SPINE, and lots of useful links.
